Slayers ACK!
by L-chan-sama
Summary: HEY! I'm back! Oh, yes. I'm back. :) So because I'm back, I give you chapter nine. Zelgadiss gets to sing in an Elvis Costello outfit! Or does he? You'd better watch out; or I'll cause some real trauma! ^^
1. Kindergarten 101! Foam Maces aren't the ...

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Slayers ACK! 

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By: Linnet

"HA! I win! I win! I win!"

"Wha?! No! Cheater!"

"Nyah Nyah! I won fair and square!"

"…A first."

"At least I can win!"

"You dirty little…! GET BACK HERE!"

"There they go again…" 

Little Lina Inverse leaned against a small tree, playing with one of her braided pigtails and pouted. "_I_ shoulda won. I'm five and a half!"

"But Lina, Xelloss is three hundred and…and…" Gourry started counting on his fingers; one, two, "and three!" He smiled proudly, even if he didn't even know how to count to four.

Sweatdropping, Lina thwapped Gourry across the head with a plastic shovel. "Shut up! So he's old…If he's so smart, he should be in FIRST grade."

"COME HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A MAZOKU!!!" Firia screeched insanely, wielding a foam mace. "You cheater! You dope! Get back here you piece of poo!" She swung at her levitated foe, tripping and landing in the sandbox. Tail twitching as she shook off sand, she cried, "You scardey-cat!!!"

"Oh, my," jeered her prey from above as he waved his index finger. "Didn't your mommy tell you to play nice? Ohhhhhhhh," he smirked, grinning and shaking some of his purple hair away, "maybe dragons don't want that….Maybe she teaches you to fight dirty!"

Firia twitched again, baring her teeth. "YOU TAKE THAT BACK! DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOMMY LIKE THAT!" 

Xelloss snickered again, floating merrily to the swings. He flopped into one and zipped up his cute little vest, sneering at Firia. Swinging, he chanted, "Firia's violent! Firia's violent! Nyah Nyah!"

Lina rolled her eyes and shoveled sand into a pail. "What weirdos." She glared dangerously at Gourry and Amelia, who were staring at the loony chase around the playground. "HEY! I'm not the only one here digging for treasure! Get to it!" She threw shovels at them and they started digging diligently. 

~Triumphant pose of victory~ Look at that piece of work! Haha!!! Look at me actually work on a story! ~Cringes at the Schizophrenia fans~ Er…I mean! I'm working reeeally hard on the Jeopardy! story as we speak! ~Zips away from the raging crowd~ Jaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

Notice! None o' the Slayers characters are of my property! Just the idea of them in seriously terrifying school clothes…that was all me! ^^! So, just realize this is just a nonsense story full of lunacy!


	2. Cooties and Pink Bows! Defending Boyish ...

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Slayers ACK!

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By: Linnet

"The…c…c….OW! Linaaa…That _hurt_!"

"Don't be a big baby! It's _my_ turn to borrow that book; not you!"

Gourry whimpered and sat cross-legged in his blue beanbag. "That's not fair," he complained, cradling his jaw, which had a brand new red lump on it. He was quickly silenced by the pigtailed sorceress-to-be and her raised fist.

"You can't even spell the word 'a'! What are you whining about?"

"Lina, I wasn't _reading_ it! I was looking at the pictures."

Xelloss poked his head in-between the two, grinning childishly (with an excuse to for once…go figure) and leaning on their shoulders merrily. "My, my! Now, Lina, shouldn't you share that?"

"Like you do that?" a frown etched across Lina's face as she said so. Xelloss shrugged. "I thought so. Now, gimme!" Lina jerked the book away from Gourry's hands.

Zelgadiss sighed heavily, wallowing in self-pity (as usual…). "Why can't you make someone else do this?" he moaned. "I don't like pink."

"Awwww! But the others are playing on their own, and you were all alone, so I wanted to cheer you up!"

"Pink isn't cheerful!"

Amelia giggled and put down her teacup. "Why not? I think it's cute on you!" She stood up from her chair and straightened her fluffy pink (is there a pattern here, folks?) skirt. She then pulled out a pink ribbon and walked over to her torture device-er-I mean her friend.

Zelgadiss cringed away from the bow and cried, "Get that away! Yuck! This isn't fun!" He tried to fend himself with his teacup and saucer, but found no reliability in doing so. Shaking in fear, he called out the only spell he knew at the ripe young age of five.

"AMELIA'S GOT COOTIES!"

The playground fell deathly silent as they all gaped in Zelgadiss and his assailant's way. Amelia cringed at all the looks, then broke into fitful sobs. "That's not true! You're a liar!"

Ripping off a pink bow and throwing it to the ground, Zelgadiss retorted, "Yah-huh! Then what's with all the pink? Pink's a cootie color!"

"Nah-uh!"

"Yah-huh!"

"Nah-uh!"

"Yah-huh!"

Gourry leaned back and whispered to Lina, "Is it true?"

Lina shuddered. "I think so! I knew it all along. She _does_ got-"

"NO I DO NOT!!!!"

Well! Whatcha think about that? Pretty…um…um…creative? 

"Nah-uh!"

The disclaimer! I don't own any of these wonderful characters, although one day I do plot to take Xelloss as my slave…but…that's another day. ^^ Ja ne, faithful readers! ~POOF! ~


	3. Look Out! Lina Can PMS *This* Early in L...

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Slayers ACK!

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By: Linnet

"Come ON! Push! PUSH!"

"Linaaa…I'm pushing as hard as I can! Isn't that enough?"

"No! Argh! You're useless! Come on! Put some muscle into it!" Lina kicked her feet in the air insanely, her heel catching Gourry's jaw. He flew back, suddenly SD, into the dirt. She grunted and dug her heels into the dirt and jumped off her swing. "Gourry! What am I going to do with you?"

Gourry whimpered, clutching his already-wounded mouth and managed to reply, "Buth…It wasthn't my faulth your heel hurth my mouth." He was silenced by the threatening wave of Lina's fist.

"You're useless. Now who's gonna push me on the swing?" her fist swung back and slams into Xelloss's approaching face, who was coming to volunteer. "No one wants to help!" she complained as he hit the ground. 

Lina stormed off toward the jungle gym, but was sidetracked by a slightly traumatized Amelia.

"L…Lina-chan?" she choked.

Cocking an eyebrow skeptically, Lina answered, "Yeah? What do you want?"

"You don't think I have cooties, do you?"

"…Eh…"

"You too, Lina-chan?! This is an outrage! I do NOT have cooties!" her sobs erupted into anime waterfall tears.

Lina backed off, twitching. "Er…I mean, no…of course you don't have cooties, Amelia…"

"No! No! You think I'm cotramilated!"

"…Eh…Don't you mean 'contaminated'?"

"…Yah…Okay…You think I'm comtaminateded!"

Lina sweatdropped and scratched her head, wondering how the heck she was supposed to get away from this babbling baby. "Look…uh…You can go talk to teacher about that…Can I go now?"

But the stricken superhero-worshipper-to-be just stood there, recreating Noah's flood. Lina growled.

"That's just about all I can take. FIREBALL!" And the little princess was roasted, toasted, and tossed into the second-grade basketball court.

And so, little Lina continued her search for a better swing-pusher-person. All she needed to find was someone so absent-minded, so gullible, so unintelligent…That shouldn't be hard, she thought.

But she bumped into a little Valgaav sitting on the jungle gym instead.

"Er…ah…Hey there, Valgaav. Nice weather we're having, ne?"

Valgaav looked up and glared (of course this would only come out as flat-out amusing, seeing as Valgaav doing anything but glare is just unnatural), looking up from his horrific artwork in the dirt. "What do you want?"

"…Nothing…I'll get going now! ^^" Lina turned on her heel and started to walk away.

Valgaav shrugged and continued drawing gory battle scenes. "What a dork," he grumbled as he drew Lina's head being sawed off. He smirked evilly.

"Dork?" she turned around and glared, then looked at what Valgaav was drawing.

The little green dragon snickered and drew Lina again hanging by a string and being tortured. Yes, that's right. The ultimate torture. She was strung up and had to listen to Nahga spill out corny jokes and laugh incessantly at them. (I'm sorry if that scared anyone to hard…I should put warning signs up next time.)

Lina screeched. "ACK! (Ha! Look! Title-insertion!) What the heck?! How can you DO that?"

"Easy. I could do it in real life, too." Valgaav pointed at Nahga, who was sitting off a ways sipping apple cider cheerily.

"GAH! NO! FIREBALL!" And so Valgaav and Nahga now come in a brand new flavor: extra crispy. (Please don't torch me for that lame joke)

Lina shuddered in horror, feeling violated at the very thought of having to put up with vile Nahga. But, she was still at a loss. Where was she going to find someone to push her on the swing? It isn't easy being a kindergarten sorceress, no, no. Onward, Lina-chan! Recess is over in ten minutes!

~Stands before her beloved audience~ Okay. Yes! It was longer! And my sick sense of humor leaked in up to their chibi ankles! ^^ Genius, ne? ~Dodges the flinging radishes~ …Radishes? …Well…At least you're original…Ja ne, fair audience! ~POOF~

Disclaimer! Again! I don't own these wonderful Slayers players! There.


	4. Good Grief! A Fairy Tale Interlude for t...

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Slayers ACK!

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By: Linnet

Xelloss: Hi there, boys and girls. ~charmed smile~ I'm glad you all came today, are you? Good!

Lina: This is ridiculous. ~glares up from inside old fairy tale book~ Who gave you the liberty to shove us in your messed up story?

Xelloss: My boss. ^^

Zelgadiss: Oh, really? Xellas actually agreed to this cruel and unusual punishment?

Xelloss: No, no, no! Not _the_ boss, the author! ^^ ~points up at Linnet who is typing text~

Linnet: Hi minna-san! ~whispers~ Whoo-hoo! Self-insertion! 

Lina: Oh, brother…

Xelloss: Anyway! Shhh you guys! I'm reading to the kids! ~points at an empty space in the middle of the room save for scattered ashes~

Gourry: What kids?

Xelloss: …Eh…What are you talking about? They're right _there_!

Lina: You blew them up, didn't you?

Xelloss: ^^() no…Can't you see them?

Filia: How atrocious! You destroyed _another_ group of children?!

Xelloss: Ah…Well…Moving on! This is the story of Snow White! ^^ How_ I_ perceive it…

Zelgadiss: …Good grief…

Xelloss: ^^ Once upon a time, there was a lovely little princess named Snow White, but her parents were screwballs. So she wasn't white. She was blue!

~POOF! Zelgadiss is in a Cheap Imitation™ Snow White dress and shoes~

Zelgadiss: AHHH! What the hell?! You must be _joking_, Xelloss!

Xelloss: ^^ mmm…Well, Snow White lived in a beautiful castle with her wicked stepmother, the Queen!

~POOF! Filia now stands dressed in Cheap Imitation™ wicked Queen costume with scary makeup and clay putty witch nose~

Filia: Wha…?! XELLOSS! ~vein pulses~ I REFUSE to be the Queen! Especially in…_This_!

Xelloss: Come, come! That makeup brings out your inner dragon. ^^

Filia: ~Shakes fist wrathfully~ I'll get you for this, namagomi… 

Xelloss: The Queen, because of natural envy, always pestered Snow White and her good looks. But the Queen was positive that she was the fairest in the land, but to be sure, she always asked her magic mirror…~Pokes Filia~

Filia: ~Huffs~ Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?

~POOF! The disembodied head of Colonel Sanders appears in the mirror~

Sanders: My queen, Snow White is the fairest in the land.

Filia: O.O ?!?! X…X…Xelloss? Why is the KFC guy in…the…mirror? ~Steps away slowly from the mirror~ 

Xelloss: To keep the readers' interest. ^^ 

Lina: Oh, jeez.

Xelloss: Well, the Queen was not very happy with the mirror's response. But before she could summon her ravishing relation-

Zelgadiss: Don't even kid about that.

Xelloss: -A gallant prince from afar came into the courtyard. And, noticing Snow White's extraordinary beauty approached her.

Zelgadiss: I don't see a prince. 

~POOF! Linnet takes over reading (Whoo-hoo!) and Xelloss appears in the story wearing puffy sleeved princely outfit~

Zelgadiss: …

Xelloss: ^^ Hey, sweety.

Zelgadiss: ALRIGHT! I've had enough! I am not doing this!

Linnet: Shushup and lemme read! The prince told Snow White how much he loved her, and Snow White admitted her own love.

Xelloss: ~Hugs Zelgadiss~ ^^

Zelgadiss: -_- No. ~tries to squirm away~

Linnet: But just then, the Queen called for Snow White.

Filia: Snow White!

Zelgadiss: Coming. ~tries to pry Xelloss off~ Dammit Xelloss! Get off me! 

Xelloss: ^^ Oh, okay. ~lets go~ But I'll be back. ~disappears~

Zelgadiss: ~Walks up to the Queen~ Yeah?

Queen: I want you to-

Linnet: So the Queen went on to tell Snow White to go into the forest to get flowers. Snow White, being the good girl that she was, obediently set forth to the forest.

Queen: Hey! Who's playing the Queen here?

Zelgadiss: ~While walking through the "forest"~ I would appreciate it if you'd stop calling me a _she_.

Linnet: Shush! The little princ_ess_ walked deeper into the forest and came across a most puzzling sight.

Zelgadiss: Oh, what a puzzling sight. -_-

Linnet: _She_ came across a small cottage where seven little people lived. They were dwarves, and they were playing croquet. Curious, Snow White approached the dwarves.

Zelgadiss: Hi. 

Lina: Hey, princess lady! I'm…~squints at script~ _Spicy_? ~eyes Linnet~ 

Linnet: I couldn't think of any other adjective name that would suit you!

Amelia: I'm _Justice-y_? ~blinks~ 

Valgaav: I'm Moody.

Martina: I'm…eh…Fussy.

Rezo: ~sighs~ I'm OpticallyChallenged-y.

Linnet: I'm so awesome! ^^

~All glare at Linnet~

Linnet: Moving along…

Sylphiel: I'm Wussy.

Gourry: I'm E.

Lina: "E"?

Linnet: I had to think of _something_ the man could read! ^^()

Lina: Right. Okay.

Linnet: The seven dwarves allowed Snow White to stay with them. Meanwhile…

Filia: Mirror, mirror, on the wall…Who's the fairest one of all?

Sanders: Snow White.

Filia: Well! Then I'll just have to make a-

Linnet: The Queen went down to her lair and started to plot Snow White's demise.

Filia: -_-*

Linnet: She finally finished creating a magical shrink-wrapped brook trout.

Filia: A…a…_What_? ~picks up the trout~

Linnet: Work with me! The Queen then set out into the forest right after the dwarves went out clubbing. She appeared in front of Snow White.

Filia: Hi Snow White.

Zelgadiss: …It's a fish.

Filia: Yeah. I know…-_-()

Linnet: Determined to be the fairest in the land, the Queen put Snow White into a deathly sleep.

Filia: How?

Linnet: Improvise. It's a fish.

Filia: Okay…~shrugs and bashes the fish over Zelgadiss's head~ 

Zelgadiss: ~stands there~ …Um…What now? 

Linnet: Cheeseandrice…Just fall into a deathly sleep, will ya?!

Zelgadiss: ~does so~

Linnet: Good. Ahem. Victorious, the Queen then went out for a tequila or two, started to walk home, and gets run over by a hoard of pedestrian bandits. 

Filia: WHAT?!

Linnet: Come on, falling off a cliff is _so_ unoriginal. 

Filia: ~mutters and leaves~

Linnet: After their wild night out, the dwarves came home to find the dead Snow White on their lawn.

Lina: Oh, look there. 

Rezo: What?

Amelia: How terrible!

Rezo: What is it?

Martina: Is it dead?

Rezo: What?! What's dead?!

Valgaav: How much do I get for doing this again?

Rezo: WHO'S DEAD?

Sylphiel: This is terrible! ~tears up~

Rezo: Dammit, I want to know who's dead! ~feels around for something to throw~

Gourry: Why is Zelgadiss wearing makeup?

Rezo: ~grabs Gourry by the hair and ends up throwing him back to chapter two~

Sylphiel: Gourry dear!

Linnet: While the seven…er…six dwarves mourned over their poor houseguest, the gallant prince arrived.

Xelloss: Here I am! ^^

Valgaav: Scumbag.

Linnet: Concerned for his love, the prince knelt down and kissed Snow White.

Xelloss: ~kneels down to kiss Zelgadiss~

Zelgadiss: Oh NO! ~jumps up and hides behind Lina~

Linnet: …Ahm…

Lina: ~shrugs and looks at her script~ Hooray. Snow White is alive.

Amelia: Oh happy day! ^^()

Rezo: What just happened?

Martina: ~whines~

Sylphiel: Oh my…Where is Gourry dear?

Valgaav: This is just messed up.

Xelloss: Spoiled sport! ^^

Valgaav: Shuddup, you $&*(#$!!#$#)(^*$@.

Linnet: Is that a word?

Valgaav: -_- @$&*(%^…

Linnet: What about that?

Rezo: What?

Linnet: Er…So, anyway! They all lived happily ever after!

Lina: Finally. ~tears off the dwarf costume and leaves~

Amelia: Wait for me, Miss Lina!

Sylphiel: Gourry dear…Where are you?

Zelgadiss: Get away from me, you perverted fruitcake!

Xelloss: ^^ ~grabs Zelgadiss and kisses him~

Martina: Ewwww…~walks away~

Rezo: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

Linnet: The end. ~munches on chicken~

…Yeah…Okay…^^() I'll just put a disclaimer. I don't own the Slayers, KFC, or any Cheap Imitation™ Disney costumes. But before I go, I would like to accept any donations of Paxel for our dear friends Rezo and Valgaav.

Rezo: What just happened?!

Valgaav: ##@)(*^^$@&#$(*@.


	5. Meow! And Now for Something Completely D...

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Slayers ACK!

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By: Linnet

"…Why is it just sitting there?" Valgaav stared out his window at the wet, saggy piece of fuzz that sat in front of his door. It was small and gray and mewled pitifully when a raindrop hit its head, which was frequently. Valgaav wrinkled his nose. He was too smart for the cute act. By George, he was nine and three quarters – no cuddly thing was gonna make him feel pity for it!

So he let it inside.

"His name is Shinagami-neko-chan. And he's _mine_."

"Awww! He's so kawaii!"

"No he's not."

"Can I hold him?"

"_No_." Valgaav growled and pulled his new kitten away from Amelia's reach. "He's not your cat."

Amelia frowned and played with the zipper on her coat. "That's not fair. You should let the kitty –"

"Not kitty. Shinagami-neko-chan."

"-Whatever. You should let _Shinagami-neko-chan_ interact with other people."

"He doesn't need to. He's too good for you losers." With that, Valgaav and his new friend turned and went home.

Valgaav set Shinagami on the arm of his couch and went into the kitchen to get something to munch on. He pulled out some cheesy puffs and stepped back into the den, and gaped. Shinagami had torn the place to shreds. Fluff was all over the carpet, and the kitty culprit was stretching on the arm of the couch, as if nothing happened.

"Wh…What did you do?! Look at this!"

"Meow?"

"You're bad!"

"M…Mew?"

Valgaav glared menacingly at Shinagami, causing the poor creature to tuck his ears back.

"Mew…" it whimpered and curled into a little ball.

"I can't believe you. You're a terrible pet! Go away!" And with that, little Valgaav tossed that kitty out the door and slammed it shut, growling. "I hate pets."

Valgaav walked to school with the usual apathetic expression on his face. His nose wrinkled when he began to hear the high-pitched squeals belonging to Amelia and Martina. Picking up a couple rocks, he started to head up their way.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Look at him! He's so cute!" cried Martina as she cradled the little gray kitten. 

"I know! He's so great!" cooed Amelia, tickling the kitty's tummy.

Valgaav ground his teeth to see the face of his old friend, Shinagami. He glared at all three of them. 

Now, Shinagami had a short but painful experience out of doors. Like most animals, he remembered his former friend and fiend. So, to relieve his kitty sense of vengeance, he latched onto Valgaav's face, hissing wildly. Valgaav recoiled and wailed, trying to pry the cat off his face. Tearing the insane cat off his face, Valgaav ran back into his house, not coming out for months.

Oh yeah…that was cool. I think that was a little different! ^^ Hopefully I didn't scare any Valgaav fans out there….

Disclaimer: See chapters 1-4.


	6. I Choose You! The Greatest Battle!

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Slayers ACK!

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By: Linnet

It's another glorious day in the Viridian Forest, and Pokémon trainer Amelia Wil Telsa Saillune is on her way to the local gym. With her are her friends Pikachu, Luna, and Gabumon. 

"This is gonna be so great!" exclaims Amelia cheerfully to her comrades. "I only need to fight one more evil creature and get a Clow Card, and then I can go to McDonalds!" she sighs in longing. "McDonalds…Oh! The ultimate prize!"

"Don't get too cocky, Amelia," said Luna, swishing her tail urgently. "This last battle will probably be very dangerous."

"I know, I know. But I know I'll WIN!" Luna sweatdropped.

Just then…WHOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!!!!! A big gust of wind swoops down upon our heroes, settling and yielding the tall, dark figure that is D. 

Amelia blinks, gaping. "Wh…Who is THAT?" 

Gabumon looks up at D. "I think it might be the final monster!"

"Pika pi pika!"

D pulls out his long sword. "Fight me," he says bluntly.

"He's not very nice," whispered Amelia.

"Don't just _stand_ there! Fight!" screeched Luna. 

"Right! I choose you, PIKACHU!"

"Pika piiii!" Pikachu dashes up to D, tense and ready to do what he does best; and that's to bite his kneecaps.

But lo! D merely swishes his sword but once, and the little yellow rat is flung out of commission. 

"Oh dear! Pikachu, you're worthless! (That he is my friend. That he is.) Gabumon! Try your luck!"

"Blue blaster!" The fuzzy lizard guy with the gold stick stuck in his head let loose a furious attack at their dampyr assailant; but it doesn't even phase him. Instead, Gabumon gets a new insert hole for another horn thing, and is knocked out of the way.

Amelia whimpers helplessly, "What do I do? What do I do?" Closes eyes and cringes for inevitable doom.

--Scene fades slowly out—

--Fades back in—

"Amelia? Ameeeelia?" Gourry pokes the drooling damsel on the forehead several times.

Snorting, she shoots up, shrieking, "PIKACHUUU!!!"

Lina blinks. "What?" 

Amelia blushes furiously. It was a dream…^^() 

BWUAHAHA! *throws the Pikachu fluff toy into an iron maiden* …I know…I'm a little stinker! ^^

Disclaimer: see chaps 1-4.


	7. Onward! Monty Python would roll in his g...

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Slayers ACK!

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By: Linnet

_Clop-clop, clop-clop, clop-clop…_

King Gourry Gabriev of the Britain valiantly rode across the countryside with his loyal page, Lina (Emphasis of riding was distributed by her continuous clapping of two hollowed coconut shells). They were in search of knights with pure hearts, radical fighting skills, and money to pay for food. 

Soon enough, their endless quest led them to the walls of a great castle. Convinced that there would be a great knight to join his cause, King Gourry looked up and called out, "HEY THERE! Anybody home?"

"What? Oh, oh, yes, yes there's people here," responded a voice high atop the castle wall. "What is it you need?"

"Uh…Oh…Um…"

Lina leaned forward and whispered, "Knights to join you, you moron."

"Oh yeah! ^^ I knew that! Um, yes, well, we're looking for a worthy knightly figure to join my knights of the…uh…"

"Semi-circle table, baka."

"Yeah! That's right! To join my knights of the semi-circle table! ^^"

The guard atop the castle wall eyed the king and his page suspiciously. "Um…No."

King Gourry frowned. "Well…Why not?"

"Nunya business! Get outa here!" the guard snapped in a very bad French accent. "I spit in your general direction!" 

"Well, that's not very nice!"

"…I took that into account."

"You what?"

"Oh, NEVERMIND! Just LEAVE!"

"But, I don't have anywhere else to go…" King Gourry then suddenly got an idea (!!!). "Hey, I know! Why don't I stay at your place?"

"NO! No no no no no NO!" the guard disappeared from sight. "Ready!"

"Ready for what?" King Gourry blinked and looked at his page, who shrugged.

"Aim!"

Lina tugged on her King's sleeve. "Ah…Milord…I think we should run."

"Why?"

"FIRE!" and a loud sound of a catapult being fired (had I known how that sound sounded, I'd emphasize it. But I kinda don't…) rang throughout the countryside, as a screaming Ryuzoku flies over the castle wall and heading straight at the King and his page.

Lina shrieked (o.O) insanely, "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" and followed her own orders.

"What?" King Gourry scratched his head, looked up, squeaked, and ran.

The screaming Ryuzoku's screaming was silenced as his mouth came in contact with the dirt. "Mrrphhhhhh!" he snarled, then he went about trying to get his horn unstuck from the ground, then commenced sitting up and spitting out grass and other earthly objects from the earth. "DAMN YOU %*)(@&%$#^%)) *(^#@*&^)(_@%@! #$%%!!!!!!!!" he swore violently while violently shaking his fist. He then inhaled deeply, running a hand through his spiky sticky-uppy hair and started to swear even more violent than the first round.

Just then…

"Stop! Stop that awful swearing Mister Valgaav!" squeaked a high pitched voice. SD chibi Firia raced across the "countryside" with a large inflatable mace and smacks him across the head. "This is a rated PG story, not R!!"

"Oh…Okay," he shrugged. Satisfied, the little chibi raced away.

King Gourry blinked. "…Who are you?"

"Valgaav the…" grimaces, "jolly minstrel."

"What's a munstill?"

"It's a…oh, nevermind."

"So you're not a knight?"

"No."

"Rats! Come, Lina! We are off in search of some other knightly knights!" With that, King Gourry and his loyal page ride off into the sunset.

There's more to the story! Wait and see! *rides off into the sunset as well, but ends up hitting the fake scenery* Ow… 


	8. Implication! Nahga Ski-Doo's; We Can Too...

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Slayers ACK!

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By: Linnet

Scene shoots to a big pile of books as music is cued. The book in the middle has a purple handprint on it and the title reads, "Nahga's Implications." The book opens to a colorful little castle. A chibi, very big-breasted woman leaps out in front of the castle, chasing a ball, looks at you (the audience), then runs into the castle through the doggy door.

Now you (the audience) are in the castle. Someone clad in a red-striped shirt and khaki pants walks up to you. She looks particularly clueless at your (the audience) existence. But then…

"Oh, hi there guys! It's me, Lina. It's so great to see you again! I'm just hanging out here, checking out my list of people who are being incompetent little animated minions and not paying rent. Care to join me? All right! Come on!" Shuffling in place as the screen starts to form into the kitchen room. Lina sits down by an oversized notebook that reads: OVERDUE RENT. 

"Let's see who the bloody bastards are this week!" Lina opens the notebook, then gasps. "Wow! There's a lot this month! Let's check it out." She holds up the list to the camera. It zooms in on a picture of a jellyfish. "Who owes us rent first?" She pauses for about 20-25 seconds. You (the underage audience) reply:

"Gourry! Gourry is the first bastard!"

"Oh! So he is. Well, let's pay a visit to our ungrateful-of-hospitality friend." Lina shuffles in place some more until screen finishes scrolling to a room with a large fish tank. She leans forward as camera zooms onto the fish tank, where Gourry lives. "Hello?" She taps on the glass a few times. "Mister Gourry? Are you home?"

The diminutive aquatic animated creature with two black dots for eyes floats out of his little model castle. "Hey, Lina. Hi, guys." He 'smiles' at you (the audience). "What's up?" 

"Well, it so happens that you owe me a lot of money, Gourry."

"I do?"

"Yes. Let's see how much." Lina looks at you (the audience). "Can you help us figure out how much of the green stuff Gourry owes me? Great!" She holds up the list to the camera, zooming into the picture of Gourry and the number: $4,688. "So how much does he owe me?" 

"Four thousand, six hundred and eighty-eight!" you (the audience) reply eagerly.

"Yeah, that's right! So, Gourry. Pay up."

The little fish composed of jelly scratched its 'head' with a tentacle (tentacle as in rated PG tentacle, you perverts.). "Gee, Lina, I'm a jelly fish. I can't be employed; thus I can't make money. I don't have any."

Lina nods in understanding. "Oh, I see. Well, that leaves me with only one choice."

"What would that be?"

Lina looks to you (the audience). "Can you guys guess what I plan to do with Gourry?"

You (the audience) reply sadistically, "Feed him to Nahga!" 

"That's right! Come on, Gourry. You're going for a trip." Lina takes the fish net and scoops Gourry up, who struggles with his mostly-aqueous body.

"But Lina!" he protests. "I need to live in a liquid environment to sustain life!"

"Oh, don't worry! I'm just moving you to a different liquid environment. But for the trip, you can stay in the randomly existent pickle jar full of water." She plops the jellyfish in the jar and screws the lid on. This "lidding" prevents Gourry's protest from being audible. "Come on, guys! Let's go find Nahga. Where could she be?"

Just then, Nahga leaps up. "Oh-HOHOHOHOHO!" she cries, slapping her hand against the camera, leaving a big purple handprint on it. She then dashes off into animation oblivion. Lina gasps at the sudden purple print of a hand.

"Look! A purple handprint! Nahga wants us to play Nahga's Implications to find out where she is!" Lina looks at you (the audience) thoughtfully. "Now, to play Nahga's Implications, we have to find a…a…"

"A handprint!" you (the audience) cry triumphantly.

"Right! And that's our first…"

"Implication!"

"An implication?"

"An implication!"

"Then we put it in our…"

"Dell computer notebook!"

Lina smiles and breaks out into song and dance. "Because they're Nahga's Implications! Implications! We gotta find the next handprint; that's our second implication. We put it in our Dell computer notebook because they're Nahga's Implications! Implications!" Pace of the song is speeded up; dancing becomes cheesier. We gotta find the last handprint; that's our final implication. We put it in our Dell computer notebook because they're Nahga's Implications! Implications!" 

She jumps backward. "Then we sit down in our Rationalizing Settee and rationalize. Rationalize. Rationalize!" Lina leaps up and steps toward the camera, dancing. "Because when we imply our intellect, give imagination a swift kick in the ass, we can accomplish! Anything! That we intend to complete." End song.

"So, let's go find some random implications!" Lina shuffles in place, singing the Implication Song to herself as the screen passes to the kitchen. You (the audience) cry out at the sight of a handprint on a garden spade. 

"An Implication! A random Implication!"

Lina twirls around. "Where?" Music of discovery plays as she sees the print. "OH! There it is! It's this…Garden spade! We must put this in our…"

"Dell computer notebook!" you (the audience) cry.

"Right!" Lina pulls out the notebook and logs onto her paint program. She then starts drawing the spade. "There! We have our first implication. Where could Nahga be implying that she is?" The shuffling in place resumes as screen changes into living room, where a squeaky voice pipes up.

"Lina! Lina!" Lina spins around. "Where could that be coming from? Oh! I know! It's our also-overdue rent payer, Amelia the starfish!" Lina crouches over another fish tank, which contains Amelia. "What can I do for you, Amelia?"

"Well, it seems I've lost my Rod of Justice! I can't find it anywhere in my tank! Can you help me find it?" 

Lina looks at you (the audience). "Will you help me and Amelia find her Rod of Justice? You will? Great! Where was the last place you had it, Amelia?"

Amelia blinks. "Well, the habitat that you've given me consists of dirt and water. I'm pretty sure it'd be in the dirt somewhere, but I looked all over!"

A light dawns upon Lina. "Oh wait! I remember now! I compensated it from you!"

"WHAT?"

"I took it for payment because you haven't paid rent!" She holds up the list for proof.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I left you memos on your to-do list about it."

"I have a to-do list?"

Lina sighs. "Oh well, now that you don't have any money for me, I'll have to get you to Nahga as well." She scoops Amelia out of the water, unscrews the lid of the pickle jar, and plops the little Starfish of Justice in with Gourry. "It'll be a while until you get to your new home; we have to find two more implications!" After tightening the lid, Lina stands up and smiles at you (the audience). "Let's go find some more implications!" 

She begins shuffling once again in place as the scene changes to the room with the back door. Spotting another purple handprint, you (the audience) cry,

"Look! Another implication! Look!"

"What? Oh, where?" Discovery music. "There it is! It's a plant! Hmm…Well, we had better jot this down in our nifty Dell computer notebook!" After quickly drawing up the garden plant, Lina thinks. "Where could Nahga be? Well, let's seek out our third and final implication!"

The in-place "walking" ensues as the scene changes yet once again till we (the audience and Lina) arrive in the living room. You (the audience) cry, "Another implication! There! Behind you!"

Lina turns to the side, gasping. "There it is! Our final implication! It's a garden hose. We had better write this down in our nifty Dell computer notebook!" And after putting this down in the Dell, Lina stands there blankly for a few moments. "That's our last implication." The importance of this dawns upon her. "We have our last implication! This means that we go to our…"

"Rationalizing Settee!"

"Right! Let's go!" Commence the fake walking until Lina ends up to the animated armrest. She sits in it confidently. "Okay! Let's review our accumulated implications. A spade," a little digital spade dances above Lina, "a plant," as does the plant, "and a hose." A little garden hose gets its groove on above her. Three different instruments play for each item and make a jazzy little tune. Lina thinks hard. "Where could Nahga be…?"

After five minutes, which seemed to have stretched on for hours, you (the audience) exalt, "The garden! The garden!"

Lina's eyes grow wide. "The garden! Of _course_!" She praises you (the audience) with fake admiration. "What are we waiting for? Let's give this dirty sons of bitches what they deserve!" Running in place to the out-of-doors set, where lo and behold, Nahga is.

"Hey, Nahga! Look what I have for you! Two low-down, no good ruffians who wouldn't pay me rent!"

"Oh-HOHOHOHO! HOHO?"

"That's right! All for you! Here!" Lina unscrew the lid to the pickle jar and drops the jellyfish and the starfish at Nahga's feet.

Amelia squeaks, "What is the meaning of this?"

"I thought you were taking me to a new aquatic reserve, Lina!" cries Gourry.

"Oh, I am!" replies a happy Lina. "Digestive acids are aqueous." She laughs sadistically; the fish cower. 

Nahga blinks. "Ho-hoho?"

"What do you mean, 'what do I do with them'? Eat them!" The fish cry out in torment.

Nahga wrinkles her nose. "HO! HOHOHO!"

"Oh, come on! I heard jellyfish are 98% aqueous anyway, so it can't hurt you much!"

"Ohhhhhhhhhh HOHOHO…" grumbles Nahga.

"What other means of getting rid of them?" Her question is answered as Nahga pulls out the Holy Hand Grenade. She pulls the pin. "Ho…Hoho…HOHOHO!" She is about to drop it, but KABLLLOOOOOOM!!! The grenade exploded too early and everybody died.

Why?

She didn't count to three. She counted to "HOHOHO".

The book closes. Although it's charred and the rest of the books are burning…

Notes: Nahga is laughing her replies. That's all she can do. She's not saying "ho" repeatedly, you dirty minded lil' freaks. -.- And my disclaimer is that I don't own Blue's Clues, Slayers, or Monty Python. There we go! Sorry for chapter 7 cliffhanger…I want to keep this fresh! Sequel soon! Beware! HA!


	9. Sha La La! Sing, it Zelgadiss!

****

Slayers ACK!

__

By Linnet

LINNET: *steps onto a lighted stage and the crowd slowly wakes up, groans for cheers* Well, hi everyone! Did you miss me?

CROWD: *groans and mumbles* 

LINNET: Er…Well, good morning! I'm proud to say that I'm finally back from my vacation to the abyss and I promise I'll make an episode of ACK! out of that, but for now, I have a lovely little songfic for you. 

CROWD: Oh no…

LINNET: Oh yes! I wrote it myself. ^^ 

LINA: …So it sucks, basically?

LINNET: Shush! And I picked out the best voice for this song…Zelgadiss! 

ZEL: *comes sulking on stage in a sparkly Elvis Costello suit and a guitar* 

ZEL FANS: *swoon; cheer; holler; moan; etc* 

LINNET: Yes, he IS cute, ain't he? 

ZEL: …No. I'm NOT doing this.

LINNET: Oh yes you are! 

ZEL: Give me one reason why I should even consider this remotely.

LINNET: Two words: sand paper.

ZEL: O.o You mean…YOU took it?! 

LINNET: That depends. And you will get it back only if you sing this one, incy wincy widdle song for your adoring fans. Please? Pretty please? 

ZEL: …f…fine. 

LINNET: Yee! Okay. Ladies, gentlemen, and inhuman Zelgadiss fans, I give you, our stony chimera boy, Zelgadiss, singing my song! *bows and leaps into the audience; front row*

ZEL: Uh…*blinks*…

CROWD:…! 

ZEL:…Hn. How do you play this thing? *pokes the guitar helplessly* 

LINNET: *slaps forehead* Oy vey…I forgot you were instrumentally challenged…

ZEL: So this means I don't have to do this?

CROWD: *whines and sobs* 

LINNET: Oh, I never said that, but I—

CROWD: Yay!

LINNET: But I think I can fix it. *smiles*

ZEL:…Eh? How so? 

LINNET: I possess some of the most powerful magic known to man or beast, and it'll help you not make an ass of yourself.

ZEL:.…Does this magic include a cure for me?

LINNET: Probably.

ZEL: !!!

LINNET: But I wasn't thinking of that.

ZEL: Where can I get these powers?

LINNET: Oh, you'd never be able to wield them; you're just a character.

XEL: Degrading, yes? ^^

ZEL: …DAH! Where'd you come from? *scoots away from the ever-suddenly existent Xelloss* 

XEL: Plot holes are easy to navigate. 

LINNET: *sweatdrop* Gee, thanks for making my author skills swell, Xelloss. Anyway, as I was saying, I think I can cure Zel's inability to hold a note both vocally and instrumentally.

XEL: Equally degrading there, too. ^^

ZEL: Where can I get these powers?! I need my cure, dammit. 

LINNET: Didn't I mention that you can't get them?

ZEL: Why NOT?

LINNET: I'm talking about writer's powers.

ZEL: Writer's…powers? Writers don't have powers. They just…write. 

LINNET: Not true! If all that us writers did was write, there'd be no life (or self-insertion) in any of it. And you wouldn't have any fun if I wasn't here right now! 

ZEL:…You're joking, right?

LINNET: No, no. Not at all! See, watch this. *snaps her fingers; POOF! Zelgadiss is in a kilt (underwear or not? Well, I can let you decide.)* 

ZEL: ACK! (even the title gets its own insertion sometime or another) What the hell?! Linnet, get this OFF! 

CROWD: *squeal; many a fan faints* 

XEL: Oh, nice. ^^ It's a good look for you.

LINNET: But you look so cultured, Zel!

ZEL: GET IT OFF!

LINNET: You really should think about what you're asking.

XEL: Oh, no. You heard the chimera-man. ^__^

ZEL: Wh…What?

LINNET: …Well, I don't know…Okay, you convinced me. *snaps; POOF! Our poor, mistreated Zel doesn't have the kilt on anymore. Or anything for that matter, so please control yourselves, ye Zel fans*

ZEL: …EEK! *discovers the guitar is a nice defense mechanism for his shredded dignity*

CROWD: *lots more fainting and shrieking and other such fun* 

LINNET: …Maybe we'll just play dress-up with Zel for the rest of the time. Songfics aren't my bag anyway. 

XEL: I agree. ^^ Wholeheartedly. Now, I have a suggestion. *whispers in Linnet's ear*

ZEL: …Oh no…What NOW? *kicks a fanatic fan offstage, fending off many others with the mic stand*

LINNET:…Ooo…That's a good idea! ^__^ Hey, does anyone know where Valgaav and Gourry are? Zel, you should stay put. I'll be back! *runs off to find Sir Jolly Minstrel of a Previous Chapter and Goldi-lacks-a-brain*

ZEL:…What? Why? You can't subject me to this!

XEL: *giggles like a spoiled little girl, pulling out shackles*

ZEL: What…are those for? oO; 

XEL: Two letters: S and M. 

ZEL: Eep.

~*~*~

****

THE END!

LINNET: Valgaaaaaaaaav! Don't worry; I won't let Xelloss hurt you! Only I will!

VAL: Get the %#$)(* AWAY!

~*~*~

Okay…_Now_** THE END!**

GOURRY: Lina, what's suede-oh-massi-chissel? 

LINA: It's sado-masochis…Oh, forget it. It'd hurt my brain more than yours to explain it…

~*~*~

Okay…I think that's it…**THE END! NOW! Ending! Yes! **

PHIB: …Why did I have to sit through THAT? I didn't even show up ONCE! What gives? 

~*~*~

****

END! NOW! THE END. Thank you. Go away now. It's over. Don't expect anything else. Ended! Finished! Please exit the auditorium and pick up all candy wrappers on your way out. GO AWAY! Leave. Exit! Depart! 

LINNET: What? Leave now? *has Valgaav by the horn* 

****

THE _END_! 

AN: Psst! I want to thank a couple people/things: 

Elvis Costello for having great fashion sense The spare key to Zelgadiss' dressing room Kilts! Xelloss for that intriguing idea… Nickel Creek. I was going to put a songfic in here based off their song "The Fox", but of course, you see how little THAT happened You guys! I can't believe you sat and read up to here. Sorry about mister end man; he rushes me. Toast. Gosh, that stuff is good. Crayola Markers You guys! You're reading this still? Man, I'm glad so many people have no life… You guys once again! Because you're not going to take that last statement seriously… 


End file.
